.... I'm just gonna go ahead and admit that this post is a complete and total ripoff of this post here: http://www.bustle.com/articles/32177-what-i-instagrammed-vs-what-was-really-happening-or-my-entire-life-is-a-lie. In order to understand my post, you might want to follow ye ole link above and then come back.
Ready? None of these were instagrammed. Why? a.) I'm not on instagram, because 2.) I don't have the time. I haven't even blogged in 2 years. The baby who had celebrated her first birthday in one of my last posts is now 3 and has a baby brother named Seth, who is almost 6 months old. I've been busy. Plus, I kinda think blogging is so over. But this was worth coming out of retirement for. So without further ado, here is my iPhone photo library explained.
THE CLEARLY STAGED PHOTO
This is the only photo I have from my youngest child's baptism a few weeks ago. It was taken on my mom's iPhone. Considering I didn't even remember to take any photos on the day the older three children were baptized, I'm very proud of this shot. Even if it is from a weird angle and I look like I'm attempting a ballet position with my foot placement.
THE COFFEE + FEET SHOT
I can't very well call this the coffee + shoes shot because who wears shoes around the house? It should be noted that this particular cup of coffee was poured a little after 7am and tasted wonderful at 2pm when I finally got to drink it, after microwaving it twice. If you look closely, you can see the freakish flip flop tan lines I have on my feet. Those are not courtesy of a relaxing beach vacay. I got them while swinging kids in the backyard.
THE WATER CLEANSE SHOT
I'm not attempting a water cleanse on purpose, but like most moms of young un's, I don't eat my first meal until late afternoon. Occasionally, I've been stirring a spoonful of sugar into my water to ward off the mid-morning shakes. Wreaks havoc on the waistline, but at least I'm conscious.
THE ULTIMATE SELFIE
So, while this is not a true selfie because I didn't take it myself, it is the closest thing I've got to a selfie. I don't take selfies. I think its kind of weird when people do. I don't know why, it just strikes me as a little odd. This was taken by my 3 year old. Looks like I'm either singing a song or trying to read a book to another child, while holding the baby. Let it be noted that the children are not supposed to have my phone, ever. So this was a renegade photo op.
THE GOURMET FOOD SHOT
You are looking at my children and some dear friends eating pizza off of paper plates. Y'all, to a mom, that is gourmet. You have fellowship plus food no one will complain about. Gourmet. Notice, we apparently didn't have enough seating to accommodate everyone, so my son is sitting on a stepladder. We're all class here, folks.
THE SHOES PICTURE
Notice the large black box in the background I have provided for shoe storage. Clearly, not one of us shoe wearers could be bothered. Me included, because those are my hot pink flip flops. Yes, the same ones responsible for my exotic foot tan. I love the dirty sock just lying there. There is only one, though. There are two sneakers so I'm left wondering what happened to that other sock. My guess is that the child who was wearing the sneakers is either still wearing one sock or was only wearing one sock to begin with. Because kids do weird things like that.
THE PRODUCE DRAWER SHOT
I don't go to the farmer's market any more. Don't have the time and when I do, I choose to nap. I'm tired, y'all. You'll have to settle for a peek into my produce drawer. These are peaches bought at Sam's over a week ago. They were not good so no one will eat them. I can't bring myself to throw them out and I haven't been able to muster up the energy or time to put them into something edible, like a cobbler. Deep down I know farmer's market peaches would be better. Perhaps I should skip my nap today.
POOL DAY PHOTOS
We went to the pool on Tuesday. I forgot to put sunscreen on folks. Everyone got sunburned, including the infant. I felt like a terrible mom. We came home and I asked the kids to please put everything on the back patio to dry. It is now Saturday. Everything out there has been rained on. Twice. The end.
THE COOL PASTRY
This is my son's birthday cake from his third birthday. In 3 weeks, that will have been 2 years ago. I didn't bake this cake. I asked a baby sitter to please bake it for me because I totally forgot to do it. Yes, my son had a sitter ON HIS BIRTHDAY. I had a surgery consult appointment that took precedence that day. I was gone for almost 4 hours. This "pastry" is so cool to me because my dear husband free-handed that Batman logo with gel icing. No small feat indeed. At least my son has an awesome dad.
THE "I AM PRODUCTIVE" SHOT
I was up at 5:20am to feed this little man, who never went back to sleep. So, I did what any mother interested in self preservation would do. I took him out to the living room and put him in the swing where I knew he would be happy and might fall back to sleep. I went back to my bed, and closed the door so his happy babbling wouldn't keep me awake. I got another hour of sleep, only to be awakened by my oldest child asking if she could get the now sleeping baby out of the swing and play with him. I said, "Absolutely not.", drug my exhausted self out of bed, and made breakfast for the 3 other children. I was productive and it was early.
I don't have a FLOWERS ARE PRETTY shot. No because I'm too busy for fresh flowers. No, it actually keeps me sane to keep some pretties in a vase on my table. However, this particular week I never made it to Walmart to get some.