Thursday, February 14, 2008

alabaster boxes

So, most of you know the complete story of my life. I doubt there are any readers who don't since I really think this blog is ready by only a handful of folks, all of whom I know :). But, in case there are more of you than I think, I'll preface my comment. I was once married to another man, who chose to leave me for another woman after 2 and 1/2 years of marriage. Actually, the story is fairly intricate and I'd rather not go into all the details in this forum, but the decision to end the marriage was mine and not his. He never even had a lawyer. This divorce was something I should have seen coming, but I was a classic co-dependent. If you know me now, then you know that God has the power to change anyone, 'cuz I'm "co-dependent no more!".

Anyhoo, we were married after 10 years of dating, so, like I said, I REALLY should have seen this coming. Although the marriage was miserable, I was devastated when he "initially" left (there was a BRIEF reconciliation attempt). Devastated because co-dependents stick (bury is more like it) their heads in the sand when it comes to their object of desire. I really think this can be a spouse, child, parent, etc... However, the point is, I was convinced that my self worth was tied up in this man's acceptance. I know, completely ridiculous, especially if you happen to know the guy.

If I ever meet that woman, I'll just have to hug her neck because she has done me a huge favor. And, like my friend Beth says, I'm sure she's loving her choice right now! Nothing like a man who was unfaithful to his wife to make you feel secure, huh? During our seperation/reconciliation, I was blessed to begin some new friendships, all of which continue to this day. God used those friendships to show me that I was worth more than I was being "allowed" to think. I say allowed because I put way too much stock in this man's opinion of me. And I was the one not doing the allowing because I was the one giving him the power he had over me.

As I began to explore what these friends were telling me about myself, the scales began to fall off my eyes somewhat. I realized that I was a precious child of God and no one had the right to make me feel poorly about myself. God had created me and God don't make junk! I realized I had a treasure far greater than this man's favor, I had the favor of God! Not because of my own merit, but because when God looks at me He sees Jesus. And to top it all of, I get eternal life in paradise. With this new perspective, colors were brighter, God's word more beautiful, and my interest in this man began to greatly wane. So much so, that I was thrilled (sorry, but i's true) when news of further deceit came to light and I was no longer required to stay married to him. And, when thoughts that I had been rejected by one who had supposedly chosen me for his bride, I was comforted by thoughts that I had been chosen by One much greater. Not by my own merits, but still chosen nonetheless.

There are several songs that I mark as instrumental in putting into words what I couldn't on my own. One of them is "Hold Me Now" by Jennifer Knapp. I think I used to listen to this song every afternoon at work when things would slow down and I was alone with my thoughts. Here are the words that were a "balm to my soul":

From the glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul.
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotries known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt. Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt.
She is strong enough to stand in your love.
I can hear her say....
I'm weak, I'm poor, I'm broken, but Lord I am yours.
Hold me now, hold me now, hold me now.
Let he without sin cast the first stone if you will.
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled.
Point your finger and laugh if you choose.
To say that my beloved is borrowed and used.
I'm weak, I'm poor, I'm broken, but Lord I am yours.
Hold me now, hold me now, hold me now.
One more thing... there is nothing like being deceived and deserted to make you feel weak, poor, broken, borrowed, and used. To use an old adeage, I did feel like spoiled goods, mostly because knowing the true character of the man I had yoked myself to just made me feel so dirty. I had resigned myself to never marrying again because I really thought the type of man I would want would be disgusted by the choices I'd made. But that was really ok, because I had Christ and that was enough. Like the song says, to Him I am of infinite worth because He spilled blood for me. No one else who was supposed to love me could even be honest with me, much less spill blood for me! So, to say that this was enough to win my heart is an understatement.

And, I did happen upon a guy during the separation/reconciliation attempt that I desperately prayed my husband would begin to immulate. It was the guy our elders at church found for my husband to live with before he came home (which never happened). I figured since they were living together, something good might rub off. Well, what do you know? That guy that I wanted my former husband to become like? We'll have been married 3 years in May.


Reformed Grits said...

THANK YOU for your transparency. It's so amazing to see the "beauty from ashes" in your life. :-)

Philip and Renie said...

Do you know how much I love your "love story"? Next post, please share how Eric (#2) proposed! THanks so much for reminding me of God's grace and perfect plan for each of us!

Greta said...

I had no idea, but goodness gracious am I glad you ended up with your "now" husband!

Lindsey said...

That is one of my most very favorite songs. Kindreds, I tell you.