Anyhoo, we were married after 10 years of dating, so, like I said, I REALLY should have seen this coming. Although the marriage was miserable, I was devastated when he "initially" left (there was a BRIEF reconciliation attempt). Devastated because co-dependents stick (bury is more like it) their heads in the sand when it comes to their object of desire. I really think this can be a spouse, child, parent, etc... However, the point is, I was convinced that my self worth was tied up in this man's acceptance. I know, completely ridiculous, especially if you happen to know the guy.
If I ever meet that woman, I'll just have to hug her neck because she has done me a huge favor. And, like my friend Beth says, I'm sure she's loving her choice right now! Nothing like a man who was unfaithful to his wife to make you feel secure, huh? During our seperation/reconciliation, I was blessed to begin some new friendships, all of which continue to this day. God used those friendships to show me that I was worth more than I was being "allowed" to think. I say allowed because I put way too much stock in this man's opinion of me. And I was the one not doing the allowing because I was the one giving him the power he had over me.
As I began to explore what these friends were telling me about myself, the scales began to fall off my eyes somewhat. I realized that I was a precious child of God and no one had the right to make me feel poorly about myself. God had created me and God don't make junk! I realized I had a treasure far greater than this man's favor, I had the favor of God! Not because of my own merit, but because when God looks at me He sees Jesus. And to top it all of, I get eternal life in paradise. With this new perspective, colors were brighter, God's word more beautiful, and my interest in this man began to greatly wane. So much so, that I was thrilled (sorry, but i's true) when news of further deceit came to light and I was no longer required to stay married to him. And, when thoughts that I had been rejected by one who had supposedly chosen me for his bride, I was comforted by thoughts that I had been chosen by One much greater. Not by my own merits, but still chosen nonetheless.
There are several songs that I mark as instrumental in putting into words what I couldn't on my own. One of them is "Hold Me Now" by Jennifer Knapp. I think I used to listen to this song every afternoon at work when things would slow down and I was alone with my thoughts. Here are the words that were a "balm to my soul":
And, I did happen upon a guy during the separation/reconciliation attempt that I desperately prayed my husband would begin to immulate. It was the guy our elders at church found for my husband to live with before he came home (which never happened). I figured since they were living together, something good might rub off. Well, what do you know? That guy that I wanted my former husband to become like? We'll have been married 3 years in May.